The world’s most famous jay walker (Sierra LaPayLynn) has been hunted down. Helicopters surround her home in her small town in the Great Northern Woods of Alaska. Two U.S. Marshals rush in and hold her at gun point. They begin the following interrogation:
The Interrogation
U.S. Marshal #1: Do you admit to being Sierra LaPayLynn, the notorious jay walker wanted in Michigan for jay walking and escape?
Sierra LaPayLynn: No, no, my name is Sierra LePayLynn. The two names are almost nothing alike.
U.S. Marshal #2: And how do you pronounce your name?
Sierra: Well, the names are French, so LePayLynn is pronounced “MicSmith” and LaPayLynn is pronounced “Thompson-Jones”, just like their spelled. As you can clearly hear, it’s entirely two different people.
USM #2: She has a point, but we've done a complete search of all your records. We know all about your family. We even know about that rash you had in 1987.
Sierra: Alright, yeah, sure. I'm Sierra LaPayLynn, the world's most famous jay walker.
USM #1: And you admit to escaping from a Michigan prison back in 1972?
Sierra: Sure, yeah, but it wasn't like what they say. I was twelve years old at the time and I just wondered off the grounds and got lost. I walked around looking for the prison for hours, but just couldn't find it.
USM #2: So, you're saying you didn't intentionally escape?
Sierra: No, I thought the prison escaped from me.
USM #1: Well, that did happen a lot back then. MDOC finally had to hand out maps to help prisoners find their way back. It helped in 1980 when we started to pin notes to their uniforms, so passing motorists would know where to drop them off.
Sierra: Alrighty, lawmen, it was a long time ago. I've become mayor of our small town. I've been on the straight and narrow since then. I've even stopped applying makeup to fox terriers.
USM #2: That is all commendable, but you escaped from prison and we have to take you back.
Sierra: But jay walking is just a small fine now. Couldn't I just write you a check and we'll be done with the whole ugly mess?
USM #1: No, sorry, you have to serve out your old sentence - 40 years in the big house. Sure it made no sense back then and it costs the state a bundle of money, but justice must prevail. It's like that CBS television show, "Cold Case Files", where they don't do anything for decades, but when the economy gets bad, the government proves it's doing something by bringing in people like you.
Sierra: Sorry, I wasn't listening after you started talking about TV shows. We don't watch television here. We mostly shoot moose and other furry animals. How about I throw in some moose bladders, they're an aphrodisiac; so I'm told. It could spark up your marriage.
USM #2: No, ma'am, we can't do that. That would be bribery. But, we will be forced to confiscate all your moose bladders.
USM #1: You'll have to come quietly with us.
Sierra: But I need to finish up my city counsel meeting and my designer glasses need to be cleaned.
USM #1: Sorry, justice can't wait. You've been gone for 36 years. We can't delay this for another second.
Sierra: Can you at least tell me who ratted me out? I'll bet it was my neighbor. She never cared for my stand on building a bridge from here to Quebec. Sure we don’t have a river or body of water nearby, but I said “build it”, then “don't build it”, then “what does a bridge do anyway?”, and then I kept all the money. I knew she had it in for me.
USM #2: Sorry, we can't reveal Carol's name, but you'll have lots of time to think about it now in your cell.
USM #1: At least there will be a fruit basket waiting for you. It’s mostly oranges and you’ll have to clean up your own peels.
Sierra: Can I at least say good bye to my children?
USM #2: You mean, “Trapper, Sniper, Wolf-Ranger, Cinnabon, Caribou, Saganaw and Flint?
USM #1: Larry, you left out the daughter, “Ann-Arbor”.
Sierra: Yeah, ya know it, she’s pregnant with my first grandchild. She’s fifteen and my husband and I are so gosh darn proud and so horrified at the same time. It’s such a special time for all of us.
USM #1: Sorry, you won’t be able to see them for months or years. Michigan needs to make sure families suffer too. It shows the others in prison that there’s no escaping without consequences because a lot of them plan on escaping, having families and then coming back.
Sierra: Couldn’t Michigan just had out fair punishments, let the offenders pay their debt to society and then become productive citizens again?. And wouldn’t it stop people from escaping if you just put up fences?
USM #2: No, Ma’am, they have politicians who need to make a name for themselves and this gets them into the press. This says jay walking won’t be tolerated from 40 years ago. We can’t have people going back in time and jay walking all over the place. The system must always prevail, if it makes sense or not. The law is the law. As far as the fence issue; we’ve already covered that.
Sierra: Alright, alright, I’m ready to go. I can’t take anymore of the long speeches you two keep making.
USM #1: By the way, what would you say the value of your house is?
Sierra: I don’t know. This is Alaska. I’m sure not over $10,000. Land’s pretty cheap up here, we’ve got lots of it and great paying jobs are plentiful. People from Michigan may want to move to Alaska, instead of California (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).
USM #1: Great, we’ll say it’s a $5 million dollar castle and that you have a servant staff of twenty.
The now notorious Sierra LaPayLynn is handcuffed and led away for the long, long ride back to Michigan. Her struggles are just beginning.
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Disclaimer: The writer of this transcript is using references to moose bladders as a humorous plot device and in no way intends to imply that moose bladders or any other moose parts can be used as an aphrodisiac. There is no medical evidence that moose bladders contain aphrodisiac properties. Although it is recommended to hug trees, it may be dangerous to attempt to hug a moose and should only be attempted by trained professionals.
To the very best on my knowledge, Susan LeFevre (of whom this blog is not about) has never shot a moose, but I have no proof that she hasn’t. I’m sure if MDOC viewed that as unfavorable, LeFevre would be depicted as a moose hunter. Do people in Michigan hunt moose? If so, then LeFevre would be said to hate moose hunting and MDOC would say that. Let us never speak of moose hunting again.
Although you might want to ask Judge Crane to re-sentence Susan LeFevre under modern guideline, because it is the only fair and humane thing to do.
Honorable William A. Crane
Saginaw County 10th Circuit Court
111 S. Michigan Avenue,
Saginaw, Michigan 48602
Reference Case No. 74-00284-FY
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